Respiration Causes Cancer

30 10 2008

The latest research by scientists around the world shws that people who breathe have a dramatic increase in thier chances of cancer than those who are dead. “Breathing should be limited to at most once or twice a day” said the lead researcher, talking about thier findings. The advice is that people should slowly cut down on thier breathing levels or stop altogether although side effects of doing so may cause death or general unconsciousness.

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Man Yells to Avert Panic

29 10 2008

A Man Yelling
Monday evening pandemonium was narrowly averted by one vigilant man and his voice. The theater’s fire alarm went off during the first act of “The Mikado” and a wave of anxiousness swept the audience. The manager came onto stage a minute later to explain that the fire alarm had gone off and that the audience should evacute the building.

The crowd by now was thoroughly worried and small arguments about what to do had broken out. A small scrum had formed around one of the exits and shouting from it was escalating. Then a man stood up and yelled above everything else: “Don’t Panic!”.

The audience quietened down and some measure of order was restored. Orderly lines formed for the exits and the audience was evacuated in a timely fashion with added assistance from theatre staff. We spoke to one middle aged woman about the incident: “I thought we were going to be in a mad fight to get out but when I heard ‘Don’t Panic!’ I regained rational thought. I realised that worrying was a silly thing to do in an emergency and I calmly left te building like everyone else.”

Unfortunately, the man that yelled the all-calming message laid claim to the cigarette that triggered the smoke alarm and was fined £5000 for the refunding of the audience and repair of everything that was broken during the near-panic.





Boris Johnson outlines plans for new London housing

28 10 2008
Boris Johnsons New Housing Plans

Boris Johnsons New Housing Plans

The London Mayor, Boris Johnson revealed his plans for new housing in London earlier this week. Many have called the plans “Obtuse” or “Just plain Stupid”. If these plans are allowed to go ahead the new housing will be completed by 2012.





Teenager Cleans Room on Own Initiative

27 10 2008

Mr and Mrs Moore were stunned yesterday when their 16 year old son started cleaning his room without any parental prompting or persistent nagging.

Mrs Moore commented “It was getting a bit messy and I was thinking of getting him to clean it but when I finally went to ask, the room was spotless”.

The father of the teen then promptly called the family’s GP who went on to refer them to Dr. Peter Grandel, a psychologist who specialises in teen behaviour. He said “This is an unseen behavioural trait, teenage boys should be reluctant to lift a finger to do anything that detracts from their own enjoyment.”

The diagnosis was completed last night and the teen in question was commited to St. James Hospital to recieve a week long course of therapy and shock treatment to revert the boy’s behaviour to that of a normal teenage rebel.





Bush’s dark side revealed

22 08 2008

Today the world was shocked when President bush of the USA was discovered to be an avid felinarian (eats nothing but cats). When confronted with the issue Bush simply said “The white ones taste nicest.” and walked away. Gordon Brown says that until such actions are suspended he will not be allies with America.





URGENT GOVERNMENT MESSAGE TO THE WORLD!

4 02 2008

The government has today sent out this urgent message to the world!

Boys are stupid throw rocks at them

 They’ve officially made it legal to beat kids.





WARNING!!!!!

4 02 2008

EVIL CHILD SNATCHER RABBIT ON THE LOOSE!

Evil bunny rabbit

 If this rabbit is seen you must do your best to rid the world of its evil ways. The best method as determined by prehistoric medicine men brought back using a catastrophic amount of stem cells is to throw celery at it until it gets too distracted and just has to eat it. Finally call our team on 0800-BUNNYEATINGMYKID! and they will take it away.